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Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
02-24-2019, 01:14 AM
Post: #1
Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Took a walk tonight that inspired me to write this. It very well could be a children's picture book or an animated short. Tongue

I present "Shadowplay," I hope you enjoy (this is a very rough draft). Big Grin

Spoiler Expand
Shadowplay

Late every night, there was an old man who would sit at a diner. Every night shadows would cast themselves upon the wall he faced. Shadows of the street outside.

You had the shadow street performers, playing their art late into the night and early into the morning.

Then there were the shadow couples, who would dance up and down the street, showering all that they passed with a neverending love that only beux possess.

Finally, he would watch the shadow cats, dogs, raccoons, and other animals of the street, simply trying to scavenge what they could where they could.

One night after watching the shadows he called the waitress over, paid his tab, and left the diner. That night, his shadow joined theirs and he became part of the Shadowplay.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. I just sort of wrote this on the fly, with very little beyond the general idea planned ahead of time. Big Grin

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02-24-2019, 02:53 AM
Post: #2
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Very interesting. I could definitely see this as a short animation with a sorta noir style. 1st, I'll start with my only critique since it's only a draft.

I wish that you either gave a reason the man was there, or a reaction to what he is seeing. Now explaining why he is there ruins the mystery and dramatic ominous feel you want to give off so it isn't THAT necessary. But is he eating a large meal? Maybe just getting a cup of coffee? He pays a tab so he orders or does something. However something that I feel should be mentioned is a reaction to everything. People performing arts outside? Is he happy, grumpy, or is he nostalgic? He sees couples? Is he sad, does he just give a small grin or is he reminiscing? He sees animals, maybe he misses an old pet or he is angry that they are scavaging like pests? You know just something to make it seem like he is aware of the world he is seeing.

Lastly my interpretation of it, so this is just what I think its about. I see it as an ex criminal in a prison. The diner is the prison, the wall is a window or maybe even a TV to the outside. The shadows are the people who live average mundane lives amongst another albeit somewhat lively to another and him. Everything else is pretty self explanatory with what he sees. He pays a 'debt' and leaves where he is integrated into this society of 'shadowplay.' An underlying message I understood would be the normal and boring lives we live could be the never ending excitement to another. I'm sure everyone else could see it as a life and death thing but it seems too obvious but that's what I think of this. It's really fascinating and there's a lot you could play off even if you found a way to shorten it. Great writing and very interesting.

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02-24-2019, 06:01 AM (This post was last modified: 02-24-2019 06:09 AM by Tisjstme.)
Post: #3
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
This is a good start to a fine short story. I gave u good advice last time so.. I will just do the first 3 sentences for u again, then you can maybe do what OldTaco said... put in a little of the mans emotions/feelings. The word sad can be any emotion really I just did that cause I don't know how he is feeling.

Late at night, a (sad) old man would sit at the diner, and every night, shadows would cast themselves upon the wall he faced. Shadows... of the street, outside.

Punctuating like this gives it more depth and mystery. It doesn't matter if he is there every night but the shadows are.

OK Mr story teller it's now up to you how this story ends. Smile

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02-24-2019, 10:18 AM
Post: #4
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-24-2019 02:53 AM)AnimeOtaku14 Wrote:  Very interesting. I could definitely see this as a short animation with a sorta noir style. 1st, I'll start with my only critique since it's only a draft.

I wish that you either gave a reason the man was there, or a reaction to what he is seeing. Now explaining why he is there ruins the mystery and dramatic ominous feel you want to give off so it isn't THAT necessary. But is he eating a large meal? Maybe just getting a cup of coffee? He pays a tab so he orders or does something. However something that I feel should be mentioned is a reaction to everything. People performing arts outside? Is he happy, grumpy, or is he nostalgic? He sees couples? Is he sad, does he just give a small grin or is he reminiscing? He sees animals, maybe he misses an old pet or he is angry that they are scavaging like pests? You know just something to make it seem like he is aware of the world he is seeing.

Lastly my interpretation of it, so this is just what I think its about. I see it as an ex criminal in a prison. The diner is the prison, the wall is a window or maybe even a TV to the outside. The shadows are the people who live average mundane lives amongst another albeit somewhat lively to another and him. Everything else is pretty self explanatory with what he sees. He pays a 'debt' and leaves where he is integrated into this society of 'shadowplay.' An underlying message I understood would be the normal and boring lives we live could be the never ending excitement to another. I'm sure everyone else could see it as a life and death thing but it seems too obvious but that's what I think of this. It's really fascinating and there's a lot you could play off even if you found a way to shorten it. Great writing and very interesting.

Ok, cool! Thanks! I'll take your suggestions, they are really good! Big Grin

(02-24-2019 06:01 AM)Tisjstme Wrote:  This is a good start to a fine short story. I gave u good advice last time so.. I will just do the first 3 sentences for u again, then you can maybe do what OldTaco said... put in a little of the mans emotions/feelings. The word sad can be any emotion really I just did that cause I don't know how he is feeling.

Late at night, a (sad) old man would sit at the diner, and every night, shadows would cast themselves upon the wall he faced. Shadows... of the street, outside.

Punctuating like this gives it more depth and mystery. It doesn't matter if he is there every night but the shadows are.

OK Mr story teller it's now up to you how this story ends. Smile

Do you mind if I use that line that you wrote? It's very good (I'd replace sad with lonely though) Big Grin

What about this ending to the story:

Spoiler Expand
He tipped the street performers, danced with the young lovers, and foraged for food with the street animals. He was one with the night, just like all those who he watched beforehand.

Before long, the orange fingers of dawn reached over the horizon. Seeing that the night was almost over, the old man walked back to his house to begin another normal day.

What do you think of the ending? Big Grin

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02-24-2019, 02:28 PM
Post: #5
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Can i get an audio of anime reading this..... Lol he would be Poifect!

Very good job Comma!!!

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02-24-2019, 05:20 PM
Post: #6
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-24-2019 02:28 PM)Kessssler Wrote:  Can i get an audio of anime reading this..... Lol he would be Poifect!

Very good job Comma!!!

Thanks! Big Grin

I've never heard anime's voice, but I trust your judgement! Tongue

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02-24-2019, 06:13 PM
Post: #7
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-24-2019 10:18 AM)Commodore_VIC_20 Wrote:  Do you mind if I use that line that you wrote? It's very good (I'd replace sad with lonely though) Big Grin

What about this ending to the story:
He tipped the street performers, danced with the young lovers, and foraged for food with the street animals. He was one with the night, just like all those who he watched beforehand.

Before long, the orange fingers of dawn reached over the horizon. Seeing that the night was almost over, the old man walked back to his house to begin another normal day.

Sure you can use my line, that's why I wrote it.
I like the ending, brought shivers to me as I read it. (which means it was good)

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02-24-2019, 06:21 PM
Post: #8
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-24-2019 06:13 PM)Tisjstme Wrote:  
(02-24-2019 10:18 AM)Commodore_VIC_20 Wrote:  Do you mind if I use that line that you wrote? It's very good (I'd replace sad with lonely though) Big Grin

What about this ending to the story:
He tipped the street performers, danced with the young lovers, and foraged for food with the street animals. He was one with the night, just like all those who he watched beforehand.

Before long, the orange fingers of dawn reached over the horizon. Seeing that the night was almost over, the old man walked back to his house to begin another normal day.

Sure you can use my line, that's why I wrote it.
I like the ending, brought shivers to me as I read it. (which means it was good)

Thanks! Big Grin

I often get shivers when I read something really descriptive or an image comes into my head that perfectly represents a song I'm listening to Big Grin

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02-24-2019, 06:47 PM
Post: #9
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Yeah I get that too... that's why I got them.. so what the ending is, has depth to it .. is also very descriptive.

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02-24-2019, 06:50 PM
Post: #10
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-24-2019 06:47 PM)Tisjstme Wrote:  Yeah I get that too... that's why I got them.. so what the ending is, has depth to it .. is also very descriptive.

Ok, thanks! Big Grin

Do you think it would be a good children's story once I polish it? Smile

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02-25-2019, 06:57 PM
Post: #11
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Yeah with a bit of (kid) tweaking it should be great.

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02-25-2019, 08:22 PM
Post: #12
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-25-2019 06:57 PM)Tisjstme Wrote:  Yeah with a bit of (kid) tweaking it should be great.

Ok, cool! What sort of tweaks would you suggest? Smile

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02-26-2019, 07:52 PM (This post was last modified: 02-26-2019 07:54 PM by Tisjstme.)
Post: #13
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
Some colourful words and have like we said 'feelings' really. Ones that a single picture would say the 1000 words to. Just nothing too rich for kids to understand that's all.
I will leave that up to u, the man with plenty of picturesque words.

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02-26-2019, 09:59 PM
Post: #14
RE: Shadowplay - A (Very) Short Story
(02-26-2019 07:52 PM)Tisjstme Wrote:  Some colourful words and have like we said 'feelings' really. Ones that a single picture would say the 1000 words to. Just nothing too rich for kids to understand that's all.
I will leave that up to u, the man with plenty of picturesque words.

Ok, thanks. Will do. I can use some of my off time to work on writing endeavors Tongue

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